While it was difficult to live with
the uneasy sense of what she would do next, there was an always a line of
retreat. He could beat a path to Norris
Playground, a patch of grass approached by a narrow, dirt lane, behind the
suburban houses, as if forgotten somehow in the scheme of the town’s expansion.
It was in the middle of the large block,
as if out of reach of seemingly close things. In the beginning, it seemed far away. But later, it was as close as his
breast. As near as the end of his nose.
But there were other times he could
not escape. Like a long, dark tunnel,
the realization of her moods, of what created the sense that things were moving
along dusky tracks toward an incident, only struck him at bizarre intervals,
and then it was too late.
He, Jake, was told that his best
friend, Roy, was adopted. She told him
not to tell his friends. He did
anyway. And when he told her (why Jack
did, he did not know) she hit him with a wooden spoon, and dragged him across
the floor by his hair, and beat him with her hand on the floor of his
bedroom. All the while she screamed and
cried: Why did you say that? What can I say to her mother now?
That nothing ever came of it was
beside the point. Roy continued to be
adopted, and neither his divulgence of that secret nor his possible keeping of
that secret had added or subtracted anything from the world. As far as he could see, things were just the
same. He was still Jake and his sister
was still his sister, and in some bizarre, yet to be determined, examined, or
formed way, his family still hurt him and protected him at the same time.
There was nothing special about
Jake. He was not a particularly bright boy; his features were not pleasant or unpleasant - he
inhabited a region between the gifted and the duds which would fail to generate
any fruit of special flavor. No one saw
any particular spark in him: he neither expected too much nor worked too hard. He had dry hands, bad breath, a rumpled
Lacrosse shirt, small Adidas shorts with white piping, and flat, square glasses
perched on the end of a blunt nose. But
he had something that very few of the boys and girls, the men and women he
knew, know: that things are not really as they seem to be; that beneath the thick scab of the outer world, and below the wound the world that inflicts pain on us, there was something solid, with mass – a critical element, a surge of
mass and energy that was all ignored but he felt like the beating of his own heart.
“It’s filthy,” she screamed. “Fucking filthy. And I ain’t gonna be your fucking slave and
clean all this shit up.”
Jake sat with his father, mother and
sister. The climb up the slope of her
resentment was reset. Wrath, he said to himself - that is what
it is called wrath. And one day I will have revenge. I will revenge myself. REVENGE. He felt his own
anger as his father and sister began to clean the unfinished part of the basement. This area had the washer, drier, heater, his
grandmother’s cedar chest, and shelves of toys and games. Somehow these objects had reached a perilous mass in
his mother’s overheated mind. Now they
were sitting in the basement, rummaging, placing the Fisher Price Airport in
the pile of things that would magically appreciate in value at some future date
in the attic.
But something was holding up the
processes. There were snags. Words were being spoken. They were angry, pleading, gruff, and his
father stood there, not doing a thing to stop the progress of things toward the
end he knew would occur, or Jake, or his sister, or father, or his mother. Then she was screaming, and hitting, and she
hit Jake’s bare knee with something hard, and a welt rose up. His father was horrified, and Jake cried, and
called her a kike bitch, and he packed a bag and vowed to
leave home.
He rode his bicycle to Norris
playground. This was a hot summer day,
in a season without much rain. The zoysia grass was a yellow as
straw, as brittle as antique glass.
And he sat beneath a Norway maple, and watched the waves of heat roll
over the black roofs of the bordering houses; keeping on edge,
alert. Despite his irrevocable
departure, he knew there was unfinished business at home: a basement of
scattered old toys, his sister in tears, his mother in bed in her dark room. It was waiting for him regardless
of his great need to stay here in Norris Playground, a place where no one cared
and no one watched and expectations were as frozen and dry as a glacier. There it was: the sense of the enduring, the
thing not perceived but touched, perhaps, with an outstretched hand: it cared
not, it had no demands. It simply was;
it existed in and around the grass and trees without being the grass and trees.
Jake
decided to ride his bike around. He moved in great loops, his house in the sloppy center of the radius he drew, until
he was drawn back by the leaden gravity. In the distance he could see his father,
looking down the street for him, pacing up and down the sidewalk.
There
was force. Someone, even a loved one,
could make you do something quite against your will. Jake knew this: he knew it from the marks,
bruises, the buried sense within his psyche that he was not really any good. That what his mother said and how she acted,
was an accurate reflection of the true state of his soul. They were involved in a struggle that could
only end in the victory of one and the defeat of another.
She
called Jake. She wanted him to Windex
the table, the chairs, the mirrors. He
said no. He said no again. Then they fought in the kitchen. She would scream and pull his hair. He pushed and punched her. From the very bottom of his heart he wanted
to kill her; this was not emotional hyperbole on his part... to see her dead on the
kitchen floor. She stood in the way of every human
happiness; her very existence was an
affront to the existence of the good. They still struggled with the can of Windex.
“Give
it to me, you kike bitch,” he hissed.
“You bastard, when you have a wife your gonna beat her,” and she clamped her
mouth down on his arm. But this did not
stop him. He pushed her against the
refrigerator, and she let out a great wail - halfway between a cry and
scream.
He
rushed out of the house to the garage and grabbed a shovel. The beat the can of Windex until the seam
split, and a geyser of ammonia shot up into the air. And before it fell to the earth, he was
already on his bike, long gone.
He
sat in the field as the dusky sun set over the trees. Gradually, the streetlights went on, and
their hum was hypnotic, soothing, as if a choir were singing a distorted,
wordless tune. As the field grew dark,
the lights in the windows popped on one by one, like lanterns lit by some
hidden switch, some inscrutable mechanism which ruled the world of light and
dark.
Jake
crouched down in between two hedges, wishing that he could disappear into the
soft soil of this tiny field. What kind
of field was this? Inconsequential, a
mere postage size of land on the grand scheme of the world, yet hovering above
it, within it, around it, though it, was a great dynamism. This is IT. Jake mumbled. This…this… This is the place where all things originate
and return. It is both the spoke of the
wheel and the axis of the top. Spinning out the pulse of light and dark, good
and evil, right and wrong; but Jake could not stay. He had to go back to the kitchen with its
interminable struggles. Back to the
living room and the dull, heavy chair, the soft, plush couch, waiting to trap
you, to tie the noose around your neck and crush your windpipe.
His
father was in the driveway near the stoop, sitting on an upright lounge chair,
smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee.
Jake walked up to him.
“If
you put your hands on her again, you’re gonna have to find someplace else to
live,” his father droned.
“Bullshit,”
Jake spat. “You chocked her last month.
You ran after Karry saying you needed to hit someone to ‘get this out of
my system.’ Did you beat her? Your own daughter? You always say you’re gonna leave but you
don’t have the balls. At least I fight her. At least I
have the power to fight her.”
His
father’s face grew taut, but did not fundamentally change its expression. He took a puff of his cigarette before
beginning again, as if Jake had said nothing.
“You
hit her again, find another place to live.”
“I
will hit her again,” Jake was emphatic.
“I won’t follow her fucking rules.”
His
father began to say something, but Jake was already walking away.
They
beat each other with mild severity. She
used her natural advantages. If he
grasped her to push her away, she would latch into this arm, and bite. She would pull his hair, swipe his glasses
away. But the days of her physical
hegemony were well over. Jake just
pushed her, pulled her, dragged her, she screamed and cried, was angry and hurt. Their mutual hatred was
always reconciled by Jake’s willingness to retreat. He was small and powerless. Now he had power in his body, and he used it
to try and kill her.
There
was a lull in the fight. By then she
tried to pick up the phone and call the battered woman’s shelter. Jake just ripped the cord out of the wall.
“You
think you are a battered woman? You bitch? You're the batterer. You're the abuser.” He
made a move to hit her, but instead went out the door and to the garage. He was going to take the car and drive down
to the beach. She moved was soundlessly
behind him.
“You
ain’t taking dat car. Dat is our
car. It ain’t yurs…” as she said this, she tried to wrestle the
keys from Jake’s hand. He let her have
them, and in the process, she lost her balance. He pushed her into the garage and brought the
door down and locked it. There was no
side entrance or automatic door. She
hated enclosed spaces. As he walked away
she was strangely quiet. She should be
fussing more, that bitch, Jake thought.
As he walked away, tears moved down his cheeks.
Their wild emotions had become so mannered, that he could no longer even
trust her pain.
Maybe
he was a monster. Perhaps he had no
hope at all. Out
in the field, in the damp chill of the autumn night, he thoughts turned
to the glum termination of things. The
awful, perhaps inevitable point in depression when no light is seen before the
coming of dawn; when the sky is just endlessly dark; when there is no hope of
transformation. There was the sinking down into the soil; the transformation of
his body to the dirt and detritus of the soil.
And
as he walked forward into the night, the field open wide - the expanse was
as far as he could see. Around the
edges, were fringes of mist that arranged and rearranged in different shapes
and forms. And from those images, Jake
emerged not as Jake, but as a creature of a finer material. But at the same time, he was very much Jake,
very centered in his Jake-ness.
And then
a great wind blew, and there was nothing at all but the field and its swaying,
rustling grass.