Friday, February 15, 2013

Poems Redux

My friend, poet and writer Jon Frankel, suggested these changes to November Lovers, which I gladly display here.  The first poem is radically shortened.  The second keeps the original flavor, but is tighter in construction.


Goose guardians
Upon the slate gray pond
Where the red sumac
Falls in spears of sorrow.

Goose guardians upon
The slate gray pond
He sees the gray sky
And the tumult
of leaves

She sees the ineffable
Over the dale
Where the red sumac
Falls in spears of sorrow

I see
Young lovers in November
Nuzzled up against
A dying word, snuggling
Down to life’s last embers
God in all.

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