My friend, poet and writer
Jon Frankel, suggested these changes to November Lovers, which I gladly display
here. The first poem is radically shortened. The second keeps the original flavor, but is tighter
in construction.
1.
Goose guardians
Upon the slate gray
pond
Where the red sumac
Falls in spears of
sorrow.
2.
Goose guardians upon
The slate gray pond
He sees the gray sky
And the tumult
of leaves
She sees the
ineffable
Our
Mother-Electra
Over the dale
Where the red sumac
Falls in spears of
sorrow
I see
Young lovers in
November
Nuzzled up against
A dying word,
snuggling
Down to life’s last
embers
God in all.
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